I haven’t written here in a month! I must admit I have been suffering from writers block of late. When I started this blog, the idea was to share little snippets of my life, anonymously of course, which I might turn into a little memoir, again an anonymous one. The biggest challenge of writing anonymously is that you have to be cautious not to leak or reveal details that might lead some of your readers to figure out your real identity. Nairobi is such a small city and (gay) people do know each other, trust me…ok not all. Maybe that is the reason why I am lacking ideas.
Anyway, enough of my writing woes. This post is about the curve balls life has thrown at me. The other day I was evaluating my life just to check how far off my goals I am and where I’m headed. To be honest I am not far off but not exactly where I wanted to be. When life throws you a curve ball you just have to accept and change course. As I reminisced, events that have happened in my love, sex, and dating life came flooding, as expected. The mistakes I did, the good moments I had with some people, the free ride living, clubbing, travel, camping, adventure….etc.
I knew what I wanted when I graduated from high school. At 17 most people have no idea what they want. I knew what career I wanted to get into and I had worked hard at it from when I was 12. My high school grades were stellar and I knew things would fall in place as planned. I did not end up in my preferred career for some reasons and I had to change. First life’s curve ball. I hit it and changed course and moved on, into law school. Luck was on my side because I fell in love with the law.
At 18 I knew I wanted to settle down. I had plotted that course of my life. Graduate from university, sit bar exams, get a job or start a business, settle down with someone, have kids, retire early and live happily thereafter. I wanted to have a kid or two by the time I turned 28 or at the very latest 30, which I am not far from 🙂 ; just a couple of years to go. You must be wondering how I would have kids as a queer man. I thought I was bisexual, even dated two girls (as I mentioned here). One, Diana* was very pretty, humble and my high school crush, who would later crush my heart! Then came my adventure with boys.
I started meeting guys when I joined university and that came with its share of drama as in you can read here. My first ever relationship was with Stan* a very ambitious (which is good) but selfish and proud person, whom I saw every once in a while, like once a month. Thinking about it today that doesn’t count as a relationship but just a casual fling. It is not a relationship if you hardly see each other, yet you are in the same city or express your feelings to each other. I woke up to the reality this was not the person I wanted to settle down with. I had to move on! Curve ball number two!
Diana came back into my life at some point after my first relationship. We got back together, maintained a long distance relationship…travelling every now and then to visit her. Then she did committed the biggest sin…cheated with my friend. I don’t condone cheating but if you have to do it never with your partner’s friend. That is a no no! The relationship had to end then and I had to move on. At that moment she wasn’t the one! Curve ball number three! I would later try to work things out with her but it was never to be.
Then came Evans* and for once I thought my life was on course. Was it love at first sight? Maybe. After a few dates I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Probably the first person I felt real love for. Like any other relationship, ours wasn’t a bed of roses and we struggled through it, for reasons I didn’t know then. After a while he said he wanted a break, which took me my surprise but I couldn’t stop him. We parted ways for us to work out things later. In between our brief break up came Eric* whom I had started hanging out a lot before our break up with Evans. Evans had suspected that I was cheating on him with Eric, which wasn’t the case, and since I had broken up with Evans, I started seeing Eric. Our friendship with Eric would end abruptly and we got back with Evans and again, our relationship struggled to its deathbed. This time reality hit home that it wasn’t going anywhere. This was the biggest heart break of my life which took a long time to heal…I had to move on. I needed a break from relationships. Curve ball four!
After healing from my heartbreak, I wanted nothing to do with relationships or any emotional connection with anyone. I turned my attention to work. I had started working after sitting my bar exams. Late nights, early mornings and weekends in the office was my life. I loved it. It distracted me. My human needs were taken of, the no-strings-attached way. Hafiz* who I had met many years ago but kept on pulling disappearing stunts was now available. Though his story was complicated, he was a nice person to be with. And Imtiyaz* too, nice polite guy. Both Hafiz and Imtiyaz were very handsome, the kind of people you want to date but they were never available for any emotional attachment due to religion among other reasons which was good for me. My love life was now non-existent. I was just a guy on about with his work and a little fun here and there. I never thought my life would pan out this way! Curve ball number five!
Things have changed though, a few other curve balls have come my way and I couldn’t be more happier now. It is amazing how life never takes the course you intend it to.
*Names have been changed.