It has been a year and a half since my boyfriend and I broke up! Yes, a year and a half! Time flies. That explains the eerie silence on this blog. I have being meaning to pen down a piece but I have not had the energy to write for over eighteen months! That, is what heartbreak does to you when your boyfriend of almost three years decides to walk out of the relationship that you thought would last forever. Forever and always is all I dreamed of because I knew I loved him. Settling down and starting a family together was the future for us. That was never to be though. You may wonder why I have decided to write about it now, eighteen months later. I have always felt that I needed closure and the best way to get over and done with it is by expressing my feelings and starting 2018 on a clean slate. I must admit it took me long to let go. Now a huge part of me has let go yet I still battle with that inner little part of me that has not let go and that is hopeful that one day my ex-boyfriend Ted (for the first time I mention his name on this blog) and I will get back together.
A little history is important to explain why we went our separate ways he walked out of our relationship. Firstly, none of us cheated. Our breakup was not as a result of infidelity, as is the case with many queer/gay relationships. Our breakup was as a result of factors beyond our control and none of us was at fault. However, the decision to break up and go our separate ways was not mine. Ted felt that he could not be in the relationship anymore after what happened and walking away was the best solution for him. I fight for what I believe in and I was ready to make whatever sacrifices that were required of me for the sake of the relationship. Unfortunately, Ted was not willing to try or make any effort to make the relationship work. Whereas I do not blame him for walking away as I would never be in his shoes to understand what he was going through at that time, I believe he could have hung in there.
The effect of the breakup was devastating. I was shattered! My life came to a halt. My motivation levels nose dived and my relations with friends and family were severely affected. Sleepless nights became the norm. My bed felt strange after he walked away. I would find myself crying on his side of the bed. I would have nightmares and panic attacks in the middle of the night. Things got worse when he shipped back all the gifts, cards and letters that I had ever given him. Worse still, he showed up at my house to pick his clothes and belongings. I could not give him back the gifts he had given me. He did not want them back. The relationship had clearly broken down. He refused to give me one last kiss on the last day he come to pick up his things. He could not hide the resentment he had for me yet he promised that we would always remain friends and keep in touch. Never has a man been so crushed to pieces like that.
The journey to pick up my broken pieces has not been an easy one. For the three years we dated, my life had a purpose and meaning. After the breakup life made no sense at all. I was wandering aimlessly through the meadows. I was used to a routine with him which included weekend activities, random date nights during the week and random travels. All that was gone. I became lonely and my life became miserable. I did not have people to hang out with. Rather, I did not enjoy the company of people anymore. I preferred to keep to myself, spend my weekends at home binge watching television or pretending to read books or work on my computer. In the course of picking up my broken pieces and moving on, I met a young lad called Alex who was good fun and distraction. But that did not last. I shall tell you his story soon. Keep it here.
Now as I prepare to move on with my life, my ex and I have been talking. I never make enemies of my ex-boyfriends. A part of me has always been hopeful that we would get back together. He even says that he would want to get back together but he is not ready. I have always wondered how one gets ready about something they are sure of. Or maybe he is not sure about it and our love never meant anything to him. I also wonder if our relationship would ever be the same again if we did get back together. I often ask myself why I let someone break me down like that. Where there signs that I overlooked? Did that little argument and request for space create the perfect recipe for a break up? Was the pain that I wrote of earlier the begining of it all? I do not know. All I know is that a part of me believes in love and keeping the hope alive. I do not know for how long I will keep up the hope but one thing I know for sure is that I am done picking up my broken pieces. I am ready to move on. All I wish for the in the new year is happiness, love and abundance. I hope 2018 is the year I fall in love again. The problem is I am not sure if I shall fall in love with Ted again or will I meet a new prince charming and start all over again.
2018 is a new year, new hopes and dreams; so as it should be for all of us. As painful as it was to get over the relationship (is this the one you spoke of in your love letter of 13th September 2013?), I wish you success in your quest for love in the New Year as risky and elusive as it might be. I think there is a popular song that says that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. I guess this is what gives you hope despite all the pain you experienced from the breakup. Not too dissimilar, I presume, to mothers who experience excruciating pain during childbirth and yet a year later they look forward to going through it again.I am probably almost twice your age but have never experienced the sort of love/loving feelings you spoke of in your letter which sounded really heart felt. I am not sure I ever will fall in love that way and have it reciprocated but best of luck to you.